Joy, Pain, How, and Why…….

Most days I would say I am a vessel of joy, filled up and overflowing with all the goodness, grace, and joy we should know.  I’m full of fun, ‘up to no good’ as some would say.  Then most recently there have been days of pain and thoughts that run deep with questions of why and how.  I have spent many hours studying, memorizing, and contemplating scripture to know Him more.  Yet in my darkest hour, I cry out with desperation, frustration, with questions still for me and others.

Where are you in this God?  I need to see and know you are on the journey with me providing, sustaining, keeping, guiding, directing, and watching over me STILL.  Show me your hand, face, and word in this hour.  Bring me to remembrance of the promises I know so well in the grief and disappointment as I wait for you.

The joy abides even if not in view.  Deeply placed in my soul, it knows and keeps me, although not bubbling up it’s an ever present undercurrent. The pain that’s in my eyes and the eyes of friends shows the authenticity of our struggle.  Lord, this is Real.  You knew this same pain and yet carried it to the cross.  So why do we have such a hard time with this?

Finally, ‘how’ and ‘why’.  What does this mean for today and the rest of the days that You have for me to walk out.  Where are you in this all and will you show and remind me you’re close at hand?  I need your reassurance today EVEN when I question the closeness of your hand and presence.  Why me, God and not someone stronger, better equipped to handle this.  I know you’re here and near, even when I can’t see nor find you.  You are close - keeping, protecting, and directing me in the questions.

The pain runs deep with a need and assurance that you will answer in my pain.  Yet there are times you feel so far away.  I know I can count and depend on you even though it does not always take the pain away. It’s a place of hope and trust that I have come to know.  It does not eliminate the pain in a sweep, but most often in moments that are never consistent with what I want and need.  There is a place in the ‘how’ and ‘why’ where you answer and speak to the storm, the hurt and disappointment, to my hard questions. There are also the times where we have to wait in stillness, knowing you can and will move on our behalf.

Tonight I am grateful for your Life that is stirring me.  In my uncertainty, I don’t like not knowing the answer but I love the One who has the answers!  Even in the struggle, I know I can trust him no matter what.  He is my rock, my fortress, my hiding place and refuge in every situation.  He keeps me.