Growing pains

Beth our oldest is 11 going on 12.  She attends public middle school and is a high performance achiever, all A's and B's.  All A's prior to the huge change in culture from elementary to middle school.  She is an amazing helper, independent, and a doer in our house.  Always ready to help, she's a typical first born.  She has hit her pre-teen years and the whole house is feeling it.  I thought I was ready and had done all my homework but, much like a rare disease, we have run into growing pains with the hard real details of daily life.
She told me that I don't have time for her due to the fact that I'm always "dealing" with Tommy's issues.  She began accusing me with all the furry of a mid-west tornado (the ones that uproot houses and mame the surroundings).  I was not ready for this.  Jealousy and disappointment from the steady one who seemed to be flying through this all with great wings.  Wow- was I surprised. It created the perfect storm in a busy week of trying to nail some very important details down. Who would be Tommy's advocate to get the HELP we desperately need to get him treatment?  Suddenly I was the FAILED mom who did not have enough time for her.

I ran to the roar (with her and God).  I climbed up in her bed to talk it out and ended up with a black and blue left cheek and eye coming down out of her bunk bed.  I have NEVER seen my husband move so fast when he heard me hit the floor.  Those of you who know us can be humored by this.  He is the turtle and I am the race horse.  The ice packs came flying and he cared for me through the night to bring the swelling down.  He was a gem.

We know that when dealing with the complexity of doctor appointments, illness, lack of communication, support, and understanding, it is difficult for the family involved with rare disease. This is bound to surface in the family.  I just was not ready.  It's kind of like being ready when we are young and growing pains hit us.

I got some good counsel and mentoring on the growing pains from people I could trust.  They had experience with this tender age and our unique family situation.
One week later Beth is better and I am settled in the fact that we have a long ways to go and as a family. The growing pains are essential and necessary to ALL of us. Me included.

Hopefully I will get used to the growing pains and learn to enjoy them even when they hurt...
And prayerfully we will all be stronger when we get to the other side!

Joy, Pain, How, and Why…….

Most days I would say I am a vessel of joy, filled up and overflowing with all the goodness, grace, and joy we should know.  I’m full of fun, ‘up to no good’ as some would say.  Then most recently there have been days of pain and thoughts that run deep with questions of why and how.  I have spent many hours studying, memorizing, and contemplating scripture to know Him more.  Yet in my darkest hour, I cry out with desperation, frustration, with questions still for me and others.

Where are you in this God?  I need to see and know you are on the journey with me providing, sustaining, keeping, guiding, directing, and watching over me STILL.  Show me your hand, face, and word in this hour.  Bring me to remembrance of the promises I know so well in the grief and disappointment as I wait for you.

The joy abides even if not in view.  Deeply placed in my soul, it knows and keeps me, although not bubbling up it’s an ever present undercurrent. The pain that’s in my eyes and the eyes of friends shows the authenticity of our struggle.  Lord, this is Real.  You knew this same pain and yet carried it to the cross.  So why do we have such a hard time with this?

Finally, ‘how’ and ‘why’.  What does this mean for today and the rest of the days that You have for me to walk out.  Where are you in this all and will you show and remind me you’re close at hand?  I need your reassurance today EVEN when I question the closeness of your hand and presence.  Why me, God and not someone stronger, better equipped to handle this.  I know you’re here and near, even when I can’t see nor find you.  You are close - keeping, protecting, and directing me in the questions.

The pain runs deep with a need and assurance that you will answer in my pain.  Yet there are times you feel so far away.  I know I can count and depend on you even though it does not always take the pain away. It’s a place of hope and trust that I have come to know.  It does not eliminate the pain in a sweep, but most often in moments that are never consistent with what I want and need.  There is a place in the ‘how’ and ‘why’ where you answer and speak to the storm, the hurt and disappointment, to my hard questions. There are also the times where we have to wait in stillness, knowing you can and will move on our behalf.

Tonight I am grateful for your Life that is stirring me.  In my uncertainty, I don’t like not knowing the answer but I love the One who has the answers!  Even in the struggle, I know I can trust him no matter what.  He is my rock, my fortress, my hiding place and refuge in every situation.  He keeps me.